hello, today was the first day of school. it didnt go as bad as i thought it would up until the end
i didnt speak to many people today, i didnt enjoy the ice breakers either and i already knew but i have np classes with my friend and i found out we dont have lunch together either.
my classes went well. aside from homeroom, i started in 3d modeling and animation, the teacher in there was nice. someone WILLINGLY sat next to me, fucking crazy, we didnt talk though. the teacher in that class didnt make us do ice breakers either he just gave us a google form to fill out on our phones, he asked for nicknames and if we wanted to be called different shit from our agab, i told teachers my name but hes the only one i told i was trans.
next class i had was pe, its actually going to be health for 9 weeks thank fucking god i hate pe. the teacher i have is the same pe teacher i had in seventh grade who didnt let me sit out cause i wasnt carry fucking anxiety diagnosis papers or sum shit. he didnt force me to do the corny ass icebreaker though so maybe he realised students can be fucking anxious without carrying a whole fucking essay written by a doctor. we ended up going down to the health room under the gym and it was so fucking hot in there i wss genuinely sweating. anyway i made a friend in health he sat next to me and asked me if i like anime i dont really give a shit about anime in general so i told him not really, he asked to see what i was drawing and he liked it, it was some pokemon, it was sylveon, vaporeon, umbreon, and jolteon. He doesnt actually know anything about pokemon so ill try to introduce him to it weither it be pokespe, the actual games, or the anime. i told my friend my name but i didnt tell the teacher, its just kinda awkward cause i already know him
in between these two classes i went to lunch, my friend is in a complete different lunch from me :( im so sad. i didnt end up eating cause im scared of eating in front of other people, ill try to eat tommorow, ill bring my 3ds or a book or something out there so the time passes a little faster
heres a pic frum lunch
i had science after that and i got lost trying to get there. it wasnt too notable. the icebreaker was we had to walk around and write peoples names, i told them all my name and i told the teacher in there. we had to get partners that will like ask us if we did current work or give us the assignments if we are absent. i asked help from the teacher and she made me partner with this alt girl and the girl she was partnered with because you could have like a group of three. im kinda embarrased cause with how i look it lowkey makes it look like i asked the teacher to help me ask SPECIFICALLY the only other alt looking person to be partners with me
after that i went to english class, it is the most boring understimulating class ive ever stepped foot in, the teacher also just felt judgey towards me :( my dad said he will help me switch english classes, i also told him my name and i think he didnt like it :( it was such a boring class it was AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG what the FUCK!!! thats longer than every other class i have D: what the fuck :((( i ended up getting sleepy which made dismissal worse
SPEAKING OF DISMISSAL WHAT THE FUCK!!! i hated it so much, i got to see my friend for a bit then he had to go to the bus :( and i went looking for the car lot and it was by the gym RIGHTT?? well my fucking dad apparently tried calling me while i was looking to tell me he was here but i didnt see it, he got there but was in THE FUCKING BUS LOT?? and i was confused cause he said he was "by the office looking building" and "in the roundabout spot" ANDDD "where buses are pulling out" which was SO CONFUSING cause i didnt remember where i got dropped off cause i was tired and i forget everything :( and he called again and i answered which is when he told me where he was and i was so confused and he started yelling at me which was really upsetting, hearing yelling not even at me makes me cut :( AND ITS BECAUSE OF HIM SCREAMING AT ME EVERY DAY FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS so if its HIM its even worse. he made me walk down this big fucking hill to get to the fucking car AFTER i had to walk all the way back to the bus lot :( i wish my family would stop acting likr im the biggest problem ever :( i didnt fuckign mean to hold up a fuckign line orr some shit i went to the car lot SO I DJDNT HOLD UP THE LINE :( im so upset why do i fucj shit up so bad :( i felt so upset and hurt on the car ride back cause i was just fucking yelled at, tired, back hurt, hungry, and sweaty
on the car ride home we went and got food and my friend who isnt at my school tried to comfort me. i love her. she is so nice and caring to me :( she always tries to give me better ways to deal with how i feel and make it better i love her so much, she makes me feel more loved than my family does, i never will be able to express that to her though, i dont know how to say it without sounding weird and creepy :( im so happy i met her
she doesnt know i still hurt myself, i couldnt even tell her why cause its gross and uncomfortable. i cut again after my dad left to go to the store but unfortunately my blade is very dull now
ill try to find another pencil sharpener, idk how many r in my house, thered a double sided one in the kitchen but i wont use it cause its really rusty. i took my current blade from one that had two sides but i dont know where it went after i took the one blade out. i could also try removing the blade from a shaving razor, theres some in the closet with all the bandaids and lightbulbs and towels and shit. i am not familiar with how to disassemble them though, only shit ive cut with is pencil sharpener blades and scissors. i cant draw blood with how dull this blades gotten, it still hurts which feels good but i want the blood not just scratches
